Losing weight and getting fit (and drop-dead sexy, ha ha) is a gift to myself. It is not a punishment. So why have I taken such a punitive approach to my journey? I skip a workout, time to be punished with restricted calories. I ate too much, time to crack the whip and double my workout. And when I rebel against my own punishment, I condemn myself as lazy, worthless, and a pig.Spelling it out and really tracing my cycle step-by-step leaves me, once again, appalled at how abusive I can be to myself. I have said that before, but apparently this lesson hasn't been learned yet.
My workouts are not punishments. If I view them that way, is it any wonder I fight to make myself do them and don't want to do them? When efforts to improve myself are wrapped up in self-loathing, anger, and disgust, is it any wonder I push it away and find the whole thing distasteful?
Once again I am at the point of repackaging my approach to my weight loss. It is something I want, and want very much. My body (and my mind) have stood back up again despite all the assaults I have slung at them. I need to respect my body and treat it like I respect it.
So, today my goals are not things like "marathon workout" or "no this, no that". Today my main goal is to simply do something today that nurtures myself, that says "I matter". Yes, all of this sounds cheesy as hell, but after racing myself half to death on a hamster wheel of shaming myself and berating myself, it is necessary and important that I do this.
I am still going to work out this evening, of course. Skipping workouts is certainly not respecting my body. But there is more to this journey than sweating and calories in/calories out, and I need to find a way to incorporate a healthy element of that into my efforts.
I most certainly agree with you and do the same thing to myself and it is not healthy to restrict calories to unbearable amounts and force yourself to workout then for 3 hours. But at the same time I personally cannot find as of the moment that perfect balance. I either do one thing to the extreme or the other. I either put myself down and allow myself to do all the things that I should not...or I am so proud of myself but only because I have ate next to nothing and yet sweated off those bits of calories by doing excessive exercise. Need to find a good balance. We just have to keep working at it. We will do it in the end. I know it! Good Luck.
ReplyDeleteI am always one extreme or the other two. I need to find a healthy middle ground!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this blog MJ. I needed some good wake up calls myself. It's kinda like surfing ...we can't push the waves. We have to just ride them out & enjoy ourselves in the mean time. It's a lifestyle ...not a death sentence.
ReplyDeleteIt does become a vicious cycle most of us have. But it's great that you aired everything out and realized what you a doing. That's step one to changing the habits we have formed.
ReplyDelete