Taking a Break

I created this blog with the hope it would motivate me and encourage me.  For whatever reason, it really hasn't done that for me.  Maybe I am just not in the right place emotionally and mentally to add one more thing to my list of things to do, to check, to monitor.  For now, I am going to put this blog on hold.  I am going to experiment to see what combination works best for me.  I may add this back into the mix.  For now, though, it's just not doing it for me.

Thank you to everyone who visited me here and commented and encouraged me!  I will keep in touch with you through my many other online venues :)  I look forward to being able to share my successes with you instead of my hard times.

Fantasy Shopping

Being overweight and not exactly thrilled with my body at the moment, I tend to wear a lot of black, and a lot of loose, shapeless clothes. I genuinely like black, but I still can't wait to be at goal weight and go shopping for clothes I wouldn't dream of wearing at this weight. Clothes like this:

I look at these pictures, and I imagine feeling feminine, pretty, beautiful.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I want to have toned arms to show off in a dress like this, and strong legs.  I want to put on dresses like this and know I look good, look in the mirror and smile because I finally made it.

When I reach goal weight, I am going to buy myself a dress like these :)

A New Day

The last three weeks or so, I have made promises, vowed to do better, then promptly bit the dust and put myself farther away from my goals.  After losing close to 30 pounds, I have gained back 10 and am working on re-losing weight I never wanted to see again.

One step forward, three steps back is getting old.  Very old!  It wears me down, leaves me feeling very discouraged, angry, and frustrated.  I can't keep doing this to myself.

Yesterday I didn't want to work out, but I grit my teeth and said "Enough crap."  I did my new weight-training DVD and added on some Zumba.  I will keep doing that, forcing myself if I have to, until I feel like doing it again.  I don't have time to wait for myself to feel motivated and inspired.  I have wasted too much time already. 

Today is a new day, and I am not going to waste even one more day.

Finally...a Loss!

After my morning run (50 minutes) this morning, I weighed in: 177.6, for a loss of 1.6 pounds.  I'm relieved to finally have a loss!  I still have some catching up to do to make up for consecutive weeks of gaining, but at least I'm making better choices and heading the right way again.

Self-Nurturing

Losing weight and getting fit (and drop-dead sexy, ha ha) is a gift to myself.  It is not a punishment.  So why have I taken such a punitive approach to my journey?  I skip a workout, time to be punished with restricted calories.  I ate too much, time to crack the whip and double my workout.  And when I rebel against my own punishment, I condemn myself as lazy, worthless, and a pig.

Spelling it out and really tracing my cycle step-by-step leaves me, once again, appalled at how abusive I can be to myself.  I have said that before, but apparently this lesson hasn't been learned yet.

My workouts are not punishments.  If I view them that way, is it any wonder I fight to make myself do them and don't want to do them?  When efforts to improve myself are wrapped up in self-loathing, anger, and disgust, is it any wonder I push it away and find the whole thing distasteful?

Once again I am at the point of repackaging my approach to my weight loss.  It is something I want, and want very much.  My body (and my mind) have stood back up again despite all the assaults I have slung at them.  I need to respect my body and treat it like I respect it. 

So, today my goals are not things like "marathon workout" or "no this, no that".  Today my main goal is to simply do something today that nurtures myself, that says "I matter".  Yes, all of this sounds cheesy as hell, but after racing myself half to death on a hamster wheel of shaming myself and berating myself, it is necessary and important that I do this.

I am still going to work out this evening, of course.  Skipping workouts is certainly not respecting my body.  But there is more to this journey than sweating and calories in/calories out, and I need to find a way to incorporate a healthy element of that into my efforts.

Feeling Hopeless

I don't even know what to say.  I can't even explain what is wrong with me lately.  It's like I have completely given up lately, and I'm not even trying to do better.  After making this new blog, after writing flowery words and promises, last night I just decided not to work out, and on top of that, I ordered pizza and ate way too much while watching TV like a lazy pig.  What the...?  Seriously?

Remembering my words from yesterday, my promise, is just embarrassing.  That is the best I could do?

I am not sure where to go from here.

Taking a Stand

Week #2, Day #2
Last week's gain was more than disappointing.  It was also a loud and clear wake-up call that if I don't get a grip, I will gain back every pound I have worked so hard to lose.  I don't think I could stand doing that to myself yet again.

Today, then, is me taking a stand.  I will not do this to myself anymore.  I deserve better.  If anyone else jerked me around and made promises they didn't keep and hurt me this much, I'd kick their ass :)  So why tolerate it from me?  Why put up with this crap?

I am making myself this promise: at this Saturday's weigh-in, I will see a loss.  I will see a good number.  I will see a good start heading back toward my goal.  And I will do what I need to do, starting today, starting now, to make sure that happens.