Taking a Break

I created this blog with the hope it would motivate me and encourage me.  For whatever reason, it really hasn't done that for me.  Maybe I am just not in the right place emotionally and mentally to add one more thing to my list of things to do, to check, to monitor.  For now, I am going to put this blog on hold.  I am going to experiment to see what combination works best for me.  I may add this back into the mix.  For now, though, it's just not doing it for me.

Thank you to everyone who visited me here and commented and encouraged me!  I will keep in touch with you through my many other online venues :)  I look forward to being able to share my successes with you instead of my hard times.

Fantasy Shopping

Being overweight and not exactly thrilled with my body at the moment, I tend to wear a lot of black, and a lot of loose, shapeless clothes. I genuinely like black, but I still can't wait to be at goal weight and go shopping for clothes I wouldn't dream of wearing at this weight. Clothes like this:

I look at these pictures, and I imagine feeling feminine, pretty, beautiful.  I haven't felt that way in a long time.  I want to have toned arms to show off in a dress like this, and strong legs.  I want to put on dresses like this and know I look good, look in the mirror and smile because I finally made it.

When I reach goal weight, I am going to buy myself a dress like these :)

A New Day

The last three weeks or so, I have made promises, vowed to do better, then promptly bit the dust and put myself farther away from my goals.  After losing close to 30 pounds, I have gained back 10 and am working on re-losing weight I never wanted to see again.

One step forward, three steps back is getting old.  Very old!  It wears me down, leaves me feeling very discouraged, angry, and frustrated.  I can't keep doing this to myself.

Yesterday I didn't want to work out, but I grit my teeth and said "Enough crap."  I did my new weight-training DVD and added on some Zumba.  I will keep doing that, forcing myself if I have to, until I feel like doing it again.  I don't have time to wait for myself to feel motivated and inspired.  I have wasted too much time already. 

Today is a new day, and I am not going to waste even one more day.

Finally...a Loss!

After my morning run (50 minutes) this morning, I weighed in: 177.6, for a loss of 1.6 pounds.  I'm relieved to finally have a loss!  I still have some catching up to do to make up for consecutive weeks of gaining, but at least I'm making better choices and heading the right way again.

Self-Nurturing

Losing weight and getting fit (and drop-dead sexy, ha ha) is a gift to myself.  It is not a punishment.  So why have I taken such a punitive approach to my journey?  I skip a workout, time to be punished with restricted calories.  I ate too much, time to crack the whip and double my workout.  And when I rebel against my own punishment, I condemn myself as lazy, worthless, and a pig.

Spelling it out and really tracing my cycle step-by-step leaves me, once again, appalled at how abusive I can be to myself.  I have said that before, but apparently this lesson hasn't been learned yet.

My workouts are not punishments.  If I view them that way, is it any wonder I fight to make myself do them and don't want to do them?  When efforts to improve myself are wrapped up in self-loathing, anger, and disgust, is it any wonder I push it away and find the whole thing distasteful?

Once again I am at the point of repackaging my approach to my weight loss.  It is something I want, and want very much.  My body (and my mind) have stood back up again despite all the assaults I have slung at them.  I need to respect my body and treat it like I respect it. 

So, today my goals are not things like "marathon workout" or "no this, no that".  Today my main goal is to simply do something today that nurtures myself, that says "I matter".  Yes, all of this sounds cheesy as hell, but after racing myself half to death on a hamster wheel of shaming myself and berating myself, it is necessary and important that I do this.

I am still going to work out this evening, of course.  Skipping workouts is certainly not respecting my body.  But there is more to this journey than sweating and calories in/calories out, and I need to find a way to incorporate a healthy element of that into my efforts.

Feeling Hopeless

I don't even know what to say.  I can't even explain what is wrong with me lately.  It's like I have completely given up lately, and I'm not even trying to do better.  After making this new blog, after writing flowery words and promises, last night I just decided not to work out, and on top of that, I ordered pizza and ate way too much while watching TV like a lazy pig.  What the...?  Seriously?

Remembering my words from yesterday, my promise, is just embarrassing.  That is the best I could do?

I am not sure where to go from here.

Taking a Stand

Week #2, Day #2
Last week's gain was more than disappointing.  It was also a loud and clear wake-up call that if I don't get a grip, I will gain back every pound I have worked so hard to lose.  I don't think I could stand doing that to myself yet again.

Today, then, is me taking a stand.  I will not do this to myself anymore.  I deserve better.  If anyone else jerked me around and made promises they didn't keep and hurt me this much, I'd kick their ass :)  So why tolerate it from me?  Why put up with this crap?

I am making myself this promise: at this Saturday's weigh-in, I will see a loss.  I will see a good number.  I will see a good start heading back toward my goal.  And I will do what I need to do, starting today, starting now, to make sure that happens.

Starting Off with a Gain

*sigh* After going all-out, creating a new blog, crafting a 25-week plan, and inviting everyone to come here and read my new blog, what do I do?  I gain 2.5 pounds my first weigh-in on my plan!   The funny part was, I actually wondered how it happened.

Well, let's recap.  I started the week off by skipping a workout.  Then I ate out almost every single day, and let's just say I didn't exactly order salads with dressing on the side.  I chugged soda like my life depends on it. I didn't bother making myself eat at home until yesterday, and my workouts all week were mostly ho-hum.

And I wonder why I gained weight?

I am angry with myself.  I am disappointed.  I am embarrassed, too, to have to report a gain after hyping up my 25-week plan!

But I am not quitting and I am not finished.  I know I can do this.  It's just a matter of bringing it all together, putting my words into action, and starting over to do this right.

Week #1, Day #5

I think that posting each day (or as close to every day as possible) will help me to get on track and stay there.  I like the idea of posting which week and day I am on too, as a reminder that the clock is ticking and there is no time to screw around!

The day started out good yesterday, but I ended up going out for lunch, and it was all downhill from there.  I still exercised, so at least I didn't completely mess up!  But half-hearted efforts will not get this weight off.  Half-assed won't get me where I want to be: slim, fit, and strong.

So today is a new day, and so far, so good.  I have logged my breakfast, have taken my supplements, and am here to use this blog like I intended to use it: for accountability, to track my journey, and to get my head back into this.

Today's goals:

* Stick to my meal plans

*Log my food and drink

*Weight training workout this evening

Welcome to My New Blog!

Hi there, and welcome to my new blog!  I've sent some invitations to my blog and see that some people have been able to accept it, so I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to visit.  This new blog is my attempt to really get back on track, hold myself accountable, and pave a road and create a plan for me to reach my goal weight, once and for all.

If you don't mind, please take a moment to leave a comment and let me know you were here.  I track IP addresses that visit this blog so I can make sure Psycho, my stalker, doesn't find her way here.  But if she does...oh well!  Shame on her for being so obsessed with me and jealous of me that she had to hunt this blog down, right?

Leaving a comment lets me know who has been here, for one thing, but also lets me thank you for being here.

Thanks again for reading, and don't forget to leave a comment!

Halfway Through Week #1

I am already halfway through week #1!  Last night I did 60 minutes of my Get Ripped workout DVD, then went to the gym to add on some cardio (elliptical).  I need to pick it up to even think about reaching my 2-pound loss for week #1!  I got the week off to a bad start, but I am going to finish it strong.

No Time to Waste

Reviewing my 25-week plan, I can't help but notice that if I don't get my butt into gear...and NOW...I will end yet another year overweight and without reaching my goal weight.

I originally wanted to reach my goal weight before August 20th or so.  Why this particular date?  It is the week that the kids will likely have their back-to-school orientations.  Every year, I have gone, and I have felt self-conscious and fat and walked around hoping no one was really looking at me.  I am tired of feeling that way.  I want to go this year wearing a cute little plaid skirt I haven't been able to wear in years!  I want to wear it, look good in it, and feel confident about myself that day, meeting the kids' teachers.

It is not too late for me to still be able to wear that skirt to the kids' orientations, but only if I get back on track now.  No time to waste!  Otherwise, I will still be too heavy to fit into the skirt by then. 

Looking at my transformation timeline, I can still safely be around 136 pounds by then.  I will be so close to goal!  I may not reach my final goal until September, but I will still look and feel great.  That is where I want to be.  That is where I WILL be.

Thinking "I will do this tomorrow" or that tomorrow is a new start is the kind of thinking that has wasted years for me.  No, there is no tomorrow.  I have wasted too many todays to be relying on tomorrow.

So I have started this transformation schedule for myself, and this blog, to keep me motivated, accountable, and on schedule to reach my goal weight.  I hope you will join me and help me stay accountable.  Thank you for reading!  I look forward to celebrating my goal weight with you :)

My 25 Week Transformation Plan

I have been struggling the last few weeks and have gained back 10 of the 30 pounds I have lost since the New Year.  No more.  I refuse to spend another year overweight and unhappy.  I have been working hard to lose weight, and I'm not going to let myself gain it all back.

I needed a plan.  I needed motivation.  So I came up with my 25-week transformation, which consists of breaking my goal weight into weekly goals, all the way to goal weight.  Each week I will focus on the 2 pounds in front of me.

I have also marked my weight loss rewards, events coming up, and other notes related to that weight goal.  Each week I will fill in my actual weight and keep tracking my progress to goal weight:

Week #	Dates	Goal Weight	Notes/Rewards/Goalposts
n/a	April 7, 2012	176	Starting over at 176: I can do this!
1	April 8-14	174
2	April 15-21	172
3	April 22-28	170
4	April 29-May 5	168	169 reward: $20 at forever21.com
5	May 6-12	166	Lowest weight since starting over this year:)
6	May 13-19	164
7	May 20-26	162
8	May 27-June 2	160
9	June 3-9	158	159 reward: nose rings (flower, hoop)
10	June 10-16	156	Event: work event
11	June 17-23	154	Event: Father's Day
12	June 24-30	152
13	July 1-7	150	Event: 4th of July
14	July 8-14	148	149 reward: butterfly necklace or sparkly watch
15	July 15-21	146
16	July 22-28	144	Event: work event
17	July 29-Aug. 4	142
18	August 5-11	140
19	August 12-18	138	139 reward: highlight my hair
20	August 19-25	136	Event:
21	August 26-Sept. 1	134
22	September 2-8	132
23	September 9-15	130	*GOAL WEIGHT*: reward: clothing shopping spree!
24	September 16-22
25	September 23-30